practical/impractical

BAR TV

Not to say that I hang out in a lot of bars or anything, but I get around.  These seem to be the trends in BAR TV:

1. Always play sports programming.  Only sports programming.
2. Leave the sound off.  We don't need commentary, we have the other people at the bar to provide what's needed.
3. When in Seattle, there must be soccer.  In your hometown, your mileage may vary.
4. If there is no game available, there are always reruns of classic matches, especially on the Fox Soccer Network.
5. Failing that, we can watch Sports Recaps and Commentary on any of three ESPN channels
6. Never, ever forget that ESPN means "Entertainment and Sports Programming Network."  Really.
7. During sports commentary, leave the sound off.  Those guys have IQs that are in inverse proportion to the cost of their suits.
8. Never, EVER, run closed captioning.
9. Remember, we MUST have sports programming, even when that means sitting at a bar reading the lips of stuffed suits on a sports programming channel.
10. Also, that is not pointless.

There ya go!  So, if you ever get the urge to run CNN with the captions on, now you know better.  

The Failure of the Imperative Case in English

I suspect that this failure exists in other languages too.  It's also possible that "imperative" is not the case I'm looking for, but something completely different.

Let's start with an example.  I look at you and I say:

"Dance."

Your immediate reaction is, "Uhhh...music?"

The problem is, I'm not telling you to dance this instant. I'm actually telling you to alter your lifestyle to incorporate dance from now until you die.  I could be explicit, of course.  I could say "Do incorporate dance into your lifestyle."  But that's not really want I want to say.

I just want to say, "Dance."

Is there an explicit verb conjugation for that? 

Coolest Phone Number Today

In a little box on the 2009 edition of the official Nevada state highway map read the following words:

To reach the Highway Patrol, dial the Operator and ask for:	.....Zenith 1-2000
or dial (cellular phones only):	.....*NHP

(HINT:  I don't think *NHP is the coolest phone number today.)

Zenith numbers predate 1-800 numbers.  They were a way to make a collect call to a station that would take any and all comers.  The operator wouldn't need to check to see if the charges were authorized.  They always were.

There are many places in Nevada (probably most of Nevada) outside of cellphone range.  You might have to drive 50 miles to a payphone even to call Zenith 1-2000.  Of course payphones are disappearing from Nevada as fast as from anywhere else.

California Highway Patrol once answered to Zenith 1-2000, and may still, but the official position is to have people call 911.  I can't find a reference to California still using their Zenith number later than 2002.

A few quick questions about your cell phone

Like 135% of all Americans, I have a cell phone.  Probably, you do too.  Some questions for you (applies to the half dozen of you who still carry pagers, too):

• Do you wear your cellphone on your belt or carry it in your pocket?  Someplace else?
• Do you set the ringer to vibrate?
• Do you ever get phantom vibrations?  That is, you're certain your phone is vibrating an incoming call, but there's no one there?
• If so, what do you do about it?

k, that's all!